Admissions Problems

no, your kid isn't special at all actually...

QUESTIONABLE QUESTIONS

This night brought to you by a Hampton Inn. You’re lucky you’re getting what you’re getting. Our Heavenly Bed is looking quite heavenly.

First up, a student obviously confused their admission counselor for Christian Grey.

First phone call this morning at 8:03am:

Student: “I was calling to see if I need to submit an application for submission?”

This student also informed me that she has a Bachelor’s & a Master’s degree and now wants to enroll in an Associate’s degree program and wants all of her credits to transfer…

Some people just want it all. Can you blame them? If we had to do it all over again, we’d totally get an associates, bachelors, masters, doctorate, chiropractic license, teaching certificate, laser operator credentials, bikini waxer permit and anything else we can think of all in one educational sweep.

While completely a stupid question, the “submission” part you could have completely exploited for your own personal entertainment.

Student: I was calling to see if I need to submit an application for submission?

AP: Yes, well, we currently have a submissive, but we are always taking applications for others.

Student: Excuse me?

AP: Excuse me, Anastasia?

Student: My name’s not Anastasia.

AP: It is if I say it is.

Student: What are you talking about?

AP: DON’T LOOK AT ME! AND EAT YOUR FUCKING FOOD, ANASTASIA! (hang up)

Second up, an oddly familiar encounter with a mom who refuses to believe in the sanctity of weekends.

I received this email after leaving the office for the day on Friday, dang smartphones!

Dear Admissions,

We are from NJ and my daughter is interested in possibly attending your school in Aug. She has just recently applied on line.
I was wondering if you would be the right person that would be able to help us with the process. She is accepted at another school in RI. And I thought we are set but I guess not! Your school is much closer to home and much more affordable for us. So is there still time for her and maybe she can visit in July. She has friends that attend your school and love it there. If you have time maybe you could give us a call over the weekend, our home phone is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I know it is a holiday weekend and most people have plans but we are under the wire with all this and I am stressing out because of course everything falls on Mom! So any help you can offer I would be very thankful. If I don’t hear from you over the weekend no problem enjoy your holiday.
-Crazy Mom

Evidently, all the stress, of course, falls on your admission counselor! Whoopsie daisies! We adore the overall assumption that we are literally always in our office, like George Costanza-style, perched under our desk ready to pop out and solve all your problems. Here’s what we love to do on the weekends - come into the office and call faculty members and ambassadors on THEIR weekends and beg them to come in to assist with a visit on the hopes that your kid (who has already committed somewhere else and has MAYBE changed their mind) may grace us with their presence as long as WE get our act together. And what are you doing, dear parent? Oh, that’s right. Having a BBQ by the pool with your cell in hand waiting for us to get back to you. 

Here’s our advice, dear parent: Tie a brick around your neck and jump into the pool. And take your effing phone with you. We hope that your sense of entitlement sinks, of course, with Mom!

Last up, a student that is putting her faith in something other than her English teacher.

I sincerely hope this email screen shot gets to you without any problems, dear Amoeba. We recently denied a student for academic reasons. This email is, word-for-word, what she sent me after she received her letter. The best part? She wanted to major in English. Also, the last line isn’t too terribly funny, until you hear that we’re a Christian University. Gotta love it when people use Jesus in a complaint.

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your little ghost manger, lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ‘bout shapes and colors,

We bet you have a better chance of being admitted to our school than this dumbass. So, if you want to display your magical religious prowess, can you in your infinite wisdom help this individual learn how to spell and/or correctly use the following words?

* reflects ≠ reflex

* except ≠ accept (this includes excepted ≠ accepted)

* gage ≠ gauge

Also, the excessive use of capitalization of only certain words is bothersome. Maybe you can write new chapter in the Admissions Problems Testament. And it shall be called Bedeviled Capitalization.

Oh eight pound, six ounce, newborn baby Jesus, don’t even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent. Please also teach this student that admissions criteria are not a form of elitism, rather a precautionary practice to safeguard institutions of higher education from the likes of people like themselves.

Dear Baby God, Amen.


Back here tomorrow for Excerpts from Essays.

  1. admissionsproblems posted this