We’ve set a fall season’s worth of DVR recordings, eaten all the perishable items in the fridge, said a fond farewell to our freedom and welcomed in an impending 3 month stint in a fine selection of Hampton Inns/Paneras.
We can’t wait for a new season of Questionable Questions. Remember, we’re only a tweet, Facebook post or Tumblr message away (all of which have mobile apps)! Ameobas need entertainment.
First up, a student who needs a little more clarity about the athletic recruitment process.
A student called me today and asked… “Does taking a foreign language help my chances of getting an Athletic Scholarship”?
We can understand why this student may be confused. We found the following excerpts from a course catalog.
Spanish - SPN 210: Systematic study of Spanish morphology, sentence structure and expository usage applied to various kinds of composition: description, narration, argumentation, etc. Also, learn to throw a perfect spiral in outdoor language laboratory.
Latin - LTN 210: Introduction to the language; provides a foundation for reading in the ancient authors. In addition to Latin, you will be trained to run a 40 yard dash in 5 seconds while reciting vocabulary Latin origins.
Chinese CHN 210: Emphasizes the development of listening and speaking skills in Mandarin. Introduces the writing system and basic sentence patterns. Student must complete independent study of 10 hours per week in agility and conditioning training.
Don’t you see from where the confusion stems? It’s obvious to us.
Second up, a student that finally decided to return that survey we sent back on May 2nd trying to figure out what the hell she was doing with her life.
Finally, we have heard from “Nikki”, and by we, I mean she responded to a Facebook message from her new roommate with the following:
“Hey, I’m really sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I feel really bad for saying this but a couple months ago I decided not to attend Blankity-Blank. I feel so bad I really should have told you sooner. Have fun at Blankity-Blank though!”
You’d think at least one of the seemingly hundreds of phone calls, emails, and letters I’ve sent her since May 1 might have made her think, “wow, I probably ought to tell him I’m not coming.”
Oh “Nikki”. She’s obviously like:
And we’re left like:
Just another one that you update to a prospective transfer student and keep recruiting the hell out of her anyway. She didn’t opt out of transfer communications! WHO HAS THE LAST LAUGH NOW NIKKI?! HA HAAA!
Last up, a prime candidate for a Nigerian 419 scam.
An elderly woman called our office wanting to know if she could give us her bank login and password to check her account balance for her. She doesn’ t have a computer, and since we’re a college, she figured we would have computers…..I almost said FERPA out of habit, but explained to her that we couldn’t do that, and maybe she should call her bank instead….
FERPA should cover stuff like this, but sadly not. And do you think a woman who provides a random stranger over a phone call on a college campus (where thousands of unidentifiable-by-phone people work) her bank account info would have any chance of understanding the complexity that is FERPA? Our guess is the only thing that would work here is hanging up, telling her you’re a thief and will steal her next Social Security check, or transferring her to the nearest branch of her bank (which we don’t understand why she didn’t do in the first place). The geriatric - so innocently naive, yet incredibly stupid. Like freshmen.
Back here tomorrow for Excerpts from Essays.
Also, if you’re on the road, it’s picture time. Get us something good. We also haven’t received a fan photo yet… we’d gladly block out faces if someone would just send us a damn picture with a very sorority-like “We HEART Admissions Problems!!!” sign. We have an ego to feed, after all.