Ridiculously busy day today. What is this fresh hell that brings a full jam-packed work day? Oh, that’s right. A new recruitment cycle.
First up tonight, not exactly a question but a questionable situation nonetheless.
One of the most questionable moments are awkward ringback tones ( I once had that “Crazy Bitch” by BuckCherry for a student’s main number… an awkward phone call always ensued after those lyrics blasted in my ear… *you crazy bitch but you fuck so good…* “Hello?” “Yes… Hi… ummm Corinne from ____… you’ve been accepted? Congratulations?”
It bothers us to understand why students believe having a ringback tone like “Crazy Bitch” is a good idea. What if your mother called you? Would you want her to hear that you fuck so good that someone else is on top of you? Or that you someone dreams of doing you all night? Not well. We once had a student whose ringback was “Put It In Your Mouth”. That was an awkward conversation when she picked up on “And you can just eat me out…” Good times.
Next up, a common question we get so often, yet never stopped to think how hilarious it really is.
My favorite is when students come up and ask “How’s your English program?” In my head I think, “What the hell do you think?!” I’m always tempted to say, “It sucks.” But always resort to “It’s great!” And they nod their head impressed that they finally found the only school in the gym that has a good english program. COME ON!
Like we said, never really thought about this one. We’re so used to being on auto-pilot for the majority of questions related to potential majors.
Student: So, umm, how’s your Physics program?
AP: Great! Ranked nationally.
Student: Oh, so cool! How’s your Spanish major?
AP: Awesome! Ranked regionally.
Student: Wow! Your school is awesome! How’s your English major?
AP: Fucking horrific. GOD. Our school is full of dumb fucks that don’t know the difference between there, their and they’re. It’s awful really. Do you know what an alliteration is? Because NO ONE at my school does. And iambic pentameter? Shakespeare would go into coronary arrest. You need to find another school, dude. Or stick to Physics and Spanish. What would you do with an English major anyway? You could always be an Admission Counselor. Does doing what I do look cool to you? We drink a lot. I’m drunk right now. Are you ok? You don’t look good. I mean, well. Well, is it good or well…
Last up, a student that obviously is banking on her Ph.D. bringing home the cash.
I had a student come talk to me about her funding. (Grad student) She has a job at the university, paying 94% of her tuition as a doctoral student. She asked me what kind of funding I could provide her to cover the $400 per semester she has to pay out-of-pocket.
Well… seeing as how she’ll pay more than $400 in interest alone on a loan when all is said and done, we probably would have pointed her toward the closest blood bank. Or hooking. Or HER JOB AT THE UNIVERSITY. Either way.
Back here tomorrow for Excerpts from Essays.