QUESTIONABLE QUESTIONS
Time for your favorite and ours, Questionable Questions.
First up, a story about a student that just can’t seem to take…well, any answer really.
Applicant calls to ask if they can take graduate level courses before entering our program. I give her the answer. She then asks: “Can you check with someone else to confirm that information?” I firmly repeated the answer. She hangs up, and then calls back almost immediately, and asks me to confirm the answer I just gave her with someone else. So I transferred her to our Dir (who was out recruiting). She calls back *AGAIN* and this time gets the counselor next to me. She asks for me but the counselor runs interference and says I’m unavailable. The caller then asks the same question again. Gets the same answer again. Caller then asks if my office mate can confirm that answer with someone else. My office mate says:
“I don’t gotta confirm that with nobody. I told you the answer.”
Sad thing is, the caller called back an hour later and repeated the same question. And got the same answer. And then asked me to confirm it with someone else. Trust issues?
We have to wonder what the question/answer was that required multiple confirmations. We started pontificating on what could have possibly been so important that it could have warranted that many phone calls. Here’s what we came up with:
Student: “Hi! It’s me. I know we literally just hung up, but I started to sense that I am bothering you. Am I bothering you? I mean, 5 phone calls within an hour is normal, right? You don’t hate me right? Am I ridiculous to the point of making you want to reach through the phone and strangle me?”
Counselor: “Yes. I very much would like to hurt you right now.”
Student: “Really? Are you sure?”
Counselor: “Yes. I’m very sure.”
Student: “That just can’t be true. Could I confirm your hatred of me with someone else?”
Counselor: “Sure! Stay on the line.”
(Student on hold for 40 minutes)
Counselor #2: “Hi. How can I help you?”
Student: “Uh, hi. I was on hold for a really long time, but that’s ok! I don’t mind since I obviously have nothing else to do but talk to you wonderful people. So, my question is… does that other counselor hate me?”
Counselor #2: “Yep. Pretty sure he hates you a lot. I’d stop calling if I were you.”
Student: “What?! Really?! I just don’t understand. You must be lying. Can you just confirm how much he hates me with someone else? I just definitely can’t believe this is true.”
Counselor #2: “I don’t gotta confirm that with nobody. I told you the answer.”
AND SCENE.
Second up, the first student ever who is a little confused.
“I have a question about the <specific> form you sent me. Is my Student Security Number my <student id number>?”
Oh, dear student. Yep. Definitely. We’re going to use your Social Security Number for everything. Let’s put it on your student ID that you hand to 12 different people every given day. Also, when you leave it somewhere and 8 people different find it, they’ll have access to your most personal of information. Sounds like a brilliant idea to us. Make sure to also write your Social Security Number on all your term papers as well - your professors really enjoy being able to steal your identity.
Last up, a student that deserves to be drop-kicked into a sputtering active volcano as a sacrificial village idiot.
“Do I Still have to make up the D’s on my transcript if I apply for Summer? The problem is I got more D’s than I can make up. It’s not like I only have one D otherwise it would be easy to just retake it and get a C.With all do respect, my lack of good grades is the reason I’m applying to your school. If I was up to par academically, I would be going somewhere better, like (lists three of our top competitors).
It’s moments like this where we think to ourselves:
Dearest darling student,
If you were up to par as a human, I’d be confident in responding to you without the tone of insincerity and hostility.
With all due respect, you can take your shitty transcript full of D’s and go to (insert list of competitors here). To make it easy on you, I’ve copied all of their Directors of Admissions as a heads up that you’re on your way because we don’t want to touch you academically with a ten foot pole.
By the way, the sheer fact that those institutions will take you with your D’s (while we will not) means they are far less superior places of higher education. Have fun ruining their retention rate! I’m sure you’ll need a dictionary to understand what that last sentence meant. And then it’ll take you even longer to comprehend what it really means. Best of luck!
Hugs and kisses,
Your FORMER Admission Counselor (read: Don’t ever fucking email me again. :D)
See you all back here tomorrow for Excerpts with Essays.
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