First edition. Free of editing and commentary. Enjoy.
This letter comes with exciting news to share regarding your admission! You were denied. This news comes in wake of your decision to ignore the prudent advice of your admissions counselor, who suggested you should improve your GPA before transferring. There are more reasons to be excited about your letter of denial. Indeed, it is an opportunity to join an exclusive club open to all denied students: the unloved. Members need not apply, as membership is merely extended by default. Whether by blind optimism or sheer stupidity, you opted to disregard your counselor, overvaluing your own capabilities and undervaluing the standards set by this institute of higher learning. We have no doubt that you will spend many lifetimes making this same mistake. In the words of the monopoly man: Do not pass go, and do not collect $200. We feel this quote captures the essence of your problem: you can’t break the cycle of flunking remedial classes, but desire to reap the rewards of doing so. Life is a game and rules abound. Ya trick?
Reading this letter must be an affront to your ill-advised assumption that your 0.0 GPA would miraculously pass review in your favor, and that you should be given a chance based on a shoddy academic history. Regardless of whether the chicken or the egg comes first, you have to demonstrate preparedness to be given a chance for study in this institute. That concept never seeped into the cavernous space that is your skull, where presumably a brain resides, somewhere.
We delight in turning your world upside down and crushing your aspirations. And no, do not take three PE classes, reapply, and then expect to see a different outcome.
As alternatives, we recommend attending a preschool and starting the fuck over.
Your denial comes after many milliseconds of contemplation. Rest assured, this decision was the easiest one I’ve made in a looooong time. Seriously, this one didn’t even go to committee.
The Vexed Counselor
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