Good evening counselors AND ambassadors. Let us be frank for a moment - when the fuck did it become August? And where did all this work suddenly come from? We’re beginning to vainly look back at all those days in June when we were open to whatever prayer, tea, or chant it took to help the day end early.
Let’s get down to business. First up, an ambassador provides us with a fun tidbit from a campus tour.
I am a student tour guide at a small private college in the northeast. Yesterday I was asked to give a special tour to a group of inner city minority high school kids. One boy looks at me seriously and asks, “Yo, I got a question. Do you guys have like a graffiti class or major or something?”
The sad part is that students think questions like this are entirely plausible. *sigh* Insert a rant about secondary education and proper guidance counseling here. If you want to add an additional step, let’s all have an internal rant about why a chaperone with this group didn’t smack this child upside the head.
For our ambassador friend, here’s how you should have responded:
Why yes, of course! Any traditional Graffiti major contains the following core classes that you must master before moving into upperdivision coursework:
Introduction to Art 1301
Etymology and History of Graffiti
Exploration of Personal Angst, Radical and/or Political Beliefs
Structure of North and South American Gangs (only for those students in the “Search Warrant” concentration)
And, of course, there’s your thesis field project during your senior year. Watch out for the 5-0’s on that one, though. You get busted, you get F.
Next up, an offer from an 8th grader that cannot be refused.
I am a Shuksan Middle School AVID student, and I am in 8th grade. I know you are thinking “What is AVID?” AVID is a program for teenagers who have a dream of going to college, and will do whatever it takes. You may think middle school is too early to start preparing for college, but that is exactly what AVID’s mission is. AVID stands for Advancement Via Individual Determination. AVID is not like a normal class, you just maintain a 2.5 or higher grade point average, you have to stay crime free, and you have more expectations, and responsibilities. I am inviting you to play a game called Bigger and Better AVID. The game is to see which university or college can give the biggest and best gift. The biggest and best thing I have received is a backpack from UC of San Diego. You are one of my top choices for schools I would like to go to, and I am emailing you to see if you would like to play. If you are going to play you send something to me, and let’s see who will win!
WE ARE DYING. Seriously. There are so many things we enjoy about this:
(1) AVID is not like NORMAL class - you have to maintain a GPA, stay crime free, have more expectations and responsibilities…how is this not like NORMAL class? We spent many years maintaining straight A’s, not going to jail and doing a bunch of other crap to get into college, so we’re struggling with this explanation.
(2) Bigger and Better AVID. I like this concept. We’re going to play a game called Bigger and Better Admissions Problems. You all need to send me a check. Just put down an amount…any amount that makes you comfortable and happy. We’ll post the amounts as they come in - the biggest check wins! Hope you can be the winner!
(3) We’re fairly certain someone from UCSD that reads this blog probably just thought “That bitch. I sent her that damn backpack, and she couldn’t even be bothered to learn the word “of” isn’t part of our school title.” Sorry UCSD.
Last up, a frustrating moment to which all of us can relate. But then, an equally brilliant response which didn’t come from us (we know, right?!).
I run our school’s social media, which means that I get to answer all of the “questionable questions” that Millennial students make up just to have something to “contribute” on the Facebook wall. Generally, the same question is repeated six or seven times an hour with increasingly creative spelling and grammar—those AP English classes really had an impact—and no matter how many times I answer, someone always asks again five minutes later.
By far the most common question is a version of:
“Hey! where do I send [form]???”
It makes me want to barbecue baby bunnies. I’ve, uh, kind of given up on serious responses (see attached).
Please, dear God, please let the student send their “health forms n all of that” to the White House next time.
Best part, we’re sure there was a bolded address on the bottom of that Health Form with the words “PLEASE RETURN THIS FORM TO (blah blah blah)”.
Great stuff tonight. Excerpts from Essays tomorrow. AND our first edition of “DEAR PARENTS/STUDENTS”. Also, we’re getting to the inbox - we promise. If it’s any consolation, we think you’re all hysterical. Back tomorrow, kids.