We have to admit. It’s getting late. We’re getting tired. This amoeba has been peddling through a damn complicated dish all damn day. But we’re rallying back. Just for you.
This essay came from a Facebook follower. It’s a little long, so it’ll be our sole focus for tonight. (Read: Laziness triumphs quality.)
“I have 2 brothers, an 2 sisthers.I was born in (city, state).Also play football for the (team name) since the age of 15.I was also named one of the top kides for my gpa* in 10 grad. Then I also played on high school team fb 2009-2011 semi finals. Team played. On a youth basketball team that went all the way. Won most valuable players on the team.I want to maybe become a head coach one day. May be not. Also did community service hours since I was 14 age years.myfather also started me out young working ever other day for me to become the young man iam tdy.my grandma always never told me never give up on ur dreams because soon or late that will always come to the light. Then I also had a close friend of mines pass away and I told him the day befor he die ill be someone one day. Then always am also pushing for the better.all I want to do is better ay better man in life.then also start ay new path in my life in take the next step to college.ibeen looking at (college name) for yrs in will ay dream come truth to get accepted into the college in move forward with my education.just hope u read this and enjoy it thanks for taken your time and day out to read this enjoy!”
Let’s recap what we have here:
1) Resume regurgitation (and we use the word “resume” so very loosely here)
2) Highlights from the “Big Game” (we’ve commented on this previously)
3) Death of a friend and subsequent depression
4) Family hero and mentor in the form of Grandmother and Father
5) Slight reveal of ultimate goal and aspiration. Maybe not though.
This really is the quinfecta, is it not? We think every awful essay quality has a place in here, peppered with grammatical errors, misspellings and a general disregard for the written English language. But I do think our favorite part is the closing: …”enjoy!”. Enjoy we did, friend. On a national scale. With all fingers pointing at you and laughing.
Excerpts from Essays again next Wednesday. Again PROMPTLY.