Admissions Problems

no, your kid isn't special at all actually...

A May 1st Poem

From us to you on this day of days.

Tis May 1st today
We hope deposits will come
Flowing into the office
Before the day’s done

We will do one of two things
As numbers reveal
And the boss reminds us
The art of sealing the deal

The first is celebration
A jubilant time
For deposits are plentiful
And numbers will rise

Low deposits mean crying
Up under our desk
With a bottle of Jack
Closely clutched to our chest

No matter the outcome
We can all clearly concur
It really doesn’t matter
Since no raises occur

So here’s to May 1st
One day that tells all
Now get back to work
You’ve got travel this fall

ON THE CRAZIEST NOTE EVER

Praise be, our inbox overfloweth. We have 934 messages. Help us, Tom Cruise.

Considering a summer intern for mail services and inquiry answering.

2 DAYS AND COUNTING

This is us:

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Know the feeling? April needs to die a quick effing death. May 1st is just two, small, little, tiny, miniscule, measly days away. Parents and students have been killing us with the last-minute decision craziness.

Can we have the scholarship that Joey Bill gave up? We know he turned you down yesterday.

Where do we buy XL twin bed sheets?! Can you email us a list of local stores with XL twin sheets?

Rochester gave us twice as much financial aid! Can you match that?

Does your cafeteria have gluten-free, fat-free tofu??! Betsy can’t eat anything else!

JUST GIVE US YOUR DAMN DEPOSIT MONEY AND NO ONE GETS HURT, PEOPLE. WE NEED SUN. AND SLEEP. AND FULL MEALS. AND RELAXATION. TIME TO START BOTHERING THE STUDENT AFFAIRS AND ORIENTATION STAFF WITH YOUR INANE QUESTIONS.

Anywho, we’re ready to get back to doing what we do best. And we have to say, we’re pretty darn excited about it. We’re not even feeling the urge to curse as much. That’s how we excited we are for May 1st and the impending summer break. Not even worried about summer melt… yet.

MAY 1ST! MAY 1ST! MAY 1ST!

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DEAR SUZY WEISS

We’ve been largely absent from mainstream social media for the past several weeks, due in large part to answering phone calls and emails from angry parents, guidance counselors, and second-cousins (twice-removed) that were recently denied to our school. And while that sounds like tremendous fun, it was not. We’ve had our fair share of the following in the past two weeks:

* Can you tell me what kinds of kids you ARE admitting if Suzy isn’t acceptable enough for you??

* But Suzy is such an AMAAAAZZZING young woman! You are really missing out on her!

* (our personal favorite) Suzy was accepted to FAAARRRR better schools that yours! I just don’t understand WHYYYYY you’ve denied her!

Mom is like:

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And we’re like:

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And then, the op-ed piece from Suzy Weiss hit Wall Street Journal. If you haven’t seen the “article”, feel free to bore yourself to death.

For even more kicks, bore yourself by watching her in person.

I’m obnoxious! And vapid!

All of you flocked to this blog to see what we’d say in response to dear little Suzy. We didn’t know at first if we agreed with her criticisms of the college admission process, especially how we (according to Suzy) look for over-involved students who have no real connection to any of the things that they experienced. The notion is that students go through all these motions just to get into the best colleges, so you need to know how to play “the game” correctly.

After much consideration, here is our response:

Oh wait. Yet another sarcastic teenager who has been denied from a slew of schools wants to blame others for her lack of appeal in the college admission process? Truly original. Really.

Let’s count how many people she blames in her article for her lack of competitive edge:

1) Her parents (family, ancestors, heritage…no one related to her in any way is spared here)

2) Her counselors? People in general? (where were they her sophomore year to tell her to be more interesting and find something to do with her time?)

3) Her siblings (because they took all the attention she obviously needed to develop a personality, ambition and interests)

4) Her local community (for being the only community ever to not have volunteer opportunities, particularly in animal shelters).

5) The global community (for not making it more clear that the Congo chimps needed her to be a philanthropist for them).

6) The economy (for not allowing her the opportunity to fulfill her ambition as “Coordinator of Ice Cream Dispension”).

7) Extremely gifted children who graduate from high school/college early (only less than 1% of all students graduate from college before the age of 18, but whatever. Damn them all to hell.)

And then, when you feel as if you can’t take it anymore, she gives a virtual shrug and ventures off to watch The Real Housewives.

And you wonder why you got rejected from the likes of Penn and Princeton? And publicly are bitter about that? We’re surprised hordes of other high school students killing themselves by trying to balance an overcommitment in activities to an overloaded academic schedule aren’t sitting outisde your home, pitchforks in hand, ready to burn your ass at the stake.

The fact of the matter remains this: every college is looking for a student who does SOMETHING. Believe us, we’re on to the ones who write their essays about mission trips and their budding relationship with that poor African child, Kinto. If you read this blog, you’d know admission officers despise that shit. So, the fact that you think that’s what it takes to get into college clearly shows you have no grasp on reality. But you do have to do SOMETHING. ONE THING. ANYTHING.

Dear little Suzy. If you intended to garner some sort of sympathy or empathy out of any college admission officer, we thinks you went about it in the wrong way. If you meant to do this at us,

then, this is all we have to say:

Peddle your garbage, lack of grasp on the reality of your situation (and the college admission process) and feeble attempts at satire elsewhere. We’re not interested.

AP decision: DENIED. Put another one in the pile, Suzy.

May 1st is coming quicker than you think. Best of luck.

Anonymous asked: I wish I found your blog before I finished applying to college. There's always grad school I suppose...

Or when you transfer. Either way. Thanks for reading.