Admissions Problems

no, your kid isn't special at all actually...

Anonymous asked: i love it when applicants rewrite their name in the suffix section. ex: first name: shit last name: motherfucker middle name: poop suffix: shitmotherfuckerpoop seriously google this shit graduate students....

Seriously cannot breathe right now. Pure brilliance.

Thanks for sharing and reading.

Anonymous asked: Let me know if you work at one of these schools. You don't have to reveal which one: Cleveland State, Case Western, John Carroll. love ya, anon adcom <3

Whoops! Forgot that we work here too!

Anonymous asked: Sooo... I know you probably won't tell and the admissions deadline has probably passed, but this blog has actually made me want to apply to the school you work for (even as a transfer next year). If it'll make you any more inclined to disclose which school that is, I have a 1460 SAT score and am a National Merit Finalist. *wink wink* Btw, I love your blog and the fact that I have yet to find anything I've done on my own applications ridiculed here.

Is this offer still on the table?

If it helps you make a decision, while cleaning out the inbox, we apparently work at the following colleges:





St. Olaf


ASU (This could be a lot of different schools. Way to get specific, messager.)

A school where all the counselors prefer to stay at Motel 6 to be “funny” while traveling. We don’t know who the hell would do this, but we tell you with gusto that the practice of staying at a Motel 6 voluntarily is entirely NOT FUNNY.

We hope you made a good decision in the end. Good luck this fall. Thanks for reading.

Anonymous asked: I am a senior in high school and I have received both acceptance and rejection letters. This page is like stalking an ex on twitter to see what they're up to after a decision. It's horribly addicting. I don't know whether to say good job to you all or not, because it is a guilty pleasure.

This is fantastic. Probably one of our favorite comments from a high schooler this year.

We hope you found the right school for you in the end. Thanks for reading.

Anonymous asked: How would you have reacted if a bunch of student protestors invaded an admissions event, telling students about the universities sexism/racism/homophobia a la Dartmouth?

Like this:

Anonymous asked: How is it that millennials can be so good at computers and the Internet, but not have the common GD sense to use both of them to find answers to their questions when they are readily available on our Web site?

Anonymous asked: update damn you

We feel your pain. Sadly, we’ve been busier than expected the last few weeks. That’s what happens when you don’t make your class and immediately start scrambling admitting kids from your waitlist.

Here’s our new approach. We think the gif thing has gotten a little old, right? So, instead, we’re going to get back to our usual posts:

Monday Mournings

Questionable Questions

Excerpts from Essays

College Fair Musings

We’re excited about it. We’ll throw you the occassional gif every now and again when we feel it appropriate.

Now, to a larger issue at hand:

As much as we find it amusing that high school students want our advice, we have almost 1000 messages in our inbox asking our advice on how to get off waitlists, how to write the perfect college essay, blah blah blah, whine whine whine.

Unless you want us to put a PayPal link on here to help supplement our already meager salary, we’re not answering work-ish questions on this blog. This is our “us” time, kids. We wouldn’t want to leave you without the hand-holding you so desperately need though, so here’s our advice. When you have one of these questions that you want a REAL answer to, go to your admission counselor, lean in real close, slip them a Pocket Shot and $20 and tell them you read Admissions Problems. Guaranteed good advice coming your way.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

A May 1st Poem

From us to you on this day of days.

Tis May 1st today
We hope deposits will come
Flowing into the office
Before the day’s done

We will do one of two things
As numbers reveal
And the boss reminds us
The art of sealing the deal

The first is celebration
A jubilant time
For deposits are plentiful
And numbers will rise

Low deposits mean crying
Up under our desk
With a bottle of Jack
Closely clutched to our chest

No matter the outcome
We can all clearly concur
It really doesn’t matter
Since no raises occur

So here’s to May 1st
One day that tells all
Now get back to work
You’ve got travel this fall


Praise be, our inbox overfloweth. We have 934 messages. Help us, Tom Cruise.

Considering a summer intern for mail services and inquiry answering.