Admissions Problems

no, your kid isn't special at all actually...

#iamaphoenix

We admit it. Nothing incites the embers of our competitive edge more than someone who clearly and unabashedly steals our photos, logos, concepts, general thoughts and feelings and tries to pass them off as their own. Good riddance, Admissions Problems 2.0. You can’t replicate perfection, so it looks like we’re back to blogging. 

Why didn’t we blog for almost three months? Here are our confessions.

WE DONE GOT SKURRED YALL. 

Translation: We’re not afraid to admit it. All these articles start getting published about Admissions Problems, people are losing their jobs, reporters are blowing up our message box asking for interviews and commentary… 

Yikes. We could literally feel the heat closing in on us. BUT we think we’ve effectively weathered out the storm. Or at least the first armband of a Katrina-esque squall. Either way.

We realize that we abandoned you now, especially in light of the Twitter frenzy today following our reemergence from the depths of a summer spent being somewhat productive (a practice that sits in direct opposition to every fiber of what summer is supposed to be). Summer can be a very transitional time of year in Admissions… those of you who’ve been in this field for at least TWO years know what we mean… hint, hint…

So, we’re back. NEW RULES.

1) We will no longer answer questions from high school students. If you want to know how to write a good college essay, talk to your guidance counselor. OR, NOVEL IDEA, drop an email to your admission counselor. Don’t expect a response though. Travel planning is all consuming.

Some of you high schoolers are nice kids and enjoy this blog. We tip our pseudopods to you. If you love Admissions Problems, please know in your heart that we support you and wish many blessings on your college applications.

2) We will NOT answer questions from parents. Your existence will only be referenced for blatant mockery, flagrant criticism and justification for using the F-word. And by F-word, we mean we fucking despise you. Unless you buy us Starbucks gift cards. Then, we tolerate you. Barely.

3) We will continue to post as we see fit in the following categories: Monday Mournings, Questionable Questions, Excerpts from Essays, and College Fair Musings. The general gif posts might work their way in, but if you’re really desperate, hit the “Random” button and think of those as “Admissions Problems Greatest Hits: Volumes I, II and III”. 

4) You are more than welcome to submit photos, excerpts, ideas, and thoughts to the Facebook page, here on the blog or on Twitter. We don’t have an email address that we’re willing to share because one of you sneaky brats would trace an IP address. Which brings us to…

5) The preservation of this amoeba’s complete anonymity. Stop asking. Stop talking about it. If you ask, we will stop. We enjoy eating. And sleeping in a small, furnished, electrified dwelling. And drinking. Let’s not forget the drinking. 

Are we all clear on the rules? We are wiping the message box clean, so we apologize to the 1,392 of you that will never get feedback from us. But please be comforted to know that we looked at each of your messages for approximately 0.02 seconds before hitting the trash can icon. 

Game on. Blogging resumes on Monday with Monday Mournings. We need a story. Who has the best one from this summer?

FEELING LOVED

We scoured about 250 inbox questions tonight, and we have to give you all a big thank you for the ego boost found among your messages. Despite the busy spring, we appreciate you hanging in there.

There were quite a few questions about our identity in light of the UPenn article this spring, so we thought a little picslip was an appropriate display of gratitude. So, here we are:

If you look closely, you can see us winking at you with love in our vacuoles.

Thanks again for reading.

Anonymous asked: Can you please stop ignoring my "ask" submissions and inform me how this blog generates revenue? I don't see ads nor do I see any way to create income. I'm confused as to how it is profitable for you.

This blog doesn’t generate revenue. We do this for free. We realize it’s hard to grasp that someone would dedicate this much time and effort for nothing tangible in return… but we already do that in our daily job, so…

In all honesty, we think all admission counselors out there needed a place to vent. Admissions Problems is that “watercooler” for us amoebas. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at the funny moments of stupidity, we love all the feedback, we even love all the parents and highschoolers that read.

It’s just a place of fun. And poking fun. And we’re willing to do that for free.

Thanks for reading.

Anonymous asked: I'm a senior and my mom applied to a school for me that I just honestly absolutely hate (and am pretty much guaranteed to get into). Is there anything I can do to make my application less attractive so I get rejected?

Step 1: Call and cancel application at the school.

Step 2: Tell mom to back the fuck off.

Problems solved.

Anonymous asked: I'm a senior admission officer at a school on the West Coast. I've been reading this blog since it started--I find it funny and sad and amazing all at the same time. I shared the link with my staff, because I know they all appreciate being able to share a laugh with someone who "gets it" sometimes. So keep on keeping on. I think counselors and students should take the advice on this blog in the spirit in which it's offered. If they'd read this, rather than bitch, they'd be better off!

Anonymous asked: Are you a moron? Looking forward to you getting outed (and fired). I will enjoy the irony of you going back to school to try to become "marketable." Until then, enjoy $42k, loser.

$42,000??? HOLY SHIT! WE WISH!!!

Anonymous asked: Are you from Wright State University...?

Here too!

Anonymous asked: i love it when applicants rewrite their name in the suffix section. ex: first name: shit last name: motherfucker middle name: poop suffix: shitmotherfuckerpoop seriously google this shit graduate students....

Seriously cannot breathe right now. Pure brilliance.

Thanks for sharing and reading.

Anonymous asked: Let me know if you work at one of these schools. You don't have to reveal which one: Cleveland State, Case Western, John Carroll. love ya, anon adcom <3

Whoops! Forgot that we work here too!

Anonymous asked: Sooo... I know you probably won't tell and the admissions deadline has probably passed, but this blog has actually made me want to apply to the school you work for (even as a transfer next year). If it'll make you any more inclined to disclose which school that is, I have a 1460 SAT score and am a National Merit Finalist. *wink wink* Btw, I love your blog and the fact that I have yet to find anything I've done on my own applications ridiculed here.

Is this offer still on the table?

If it helps you make a decision, while cleaning out the inbox, we apparently work at the following colleges:

Tufts

Rice

Michigan

Vanderbilt

St. Olaf

Pepperdine

ASU (This could be a lot of different schools. Way to get specific, messager.)

A school where all the counselors prefer to stay at Motel 6 to be “funny” while traveling. We don’t know who the hell would do this, but we tell you with gusto that the practice of staying at a Motel 6 voluntarily is entirely NOT FUNNY.

We hope you made a good decision in the end. Good luck this fall. Thanks for reading.

Anonymous asked: I am a senior in high school and I have received both acceptance and rejection letters. This page is like stalking an ex on twitter to see what they're up to after a decision. It's horribly addicting. I don't know whether to say good job to you all or not, because it is a guilty pleasure.

This is fantastic. Probably one of our favorite comments from a high schooler this year.

We hope you found the right school for you in the end. Thanks for reading.

Anonymous asked: How would you have reacted if a bunch of student protestors invaded an admissions event, telling students about the universities sexism/racism/homophobia a la Dartmouth?

Like this:

Anonymous asked: How is it that millennials can be so good at computers and the Internet, but not have the common GD sense to use both of them to find answers to their questions when they are readily available on our Web site?

Anonymous asked: update damn you

We feel your pain. Sadly, we’ve been busier than expected the last few weeks. That’s what happens when you don’t make your class and immediately start scrambling admitting kids from your waitlist.

Here’s our new approach. We think the gif thing has gotten a little old, right? So, instead, we’re going to get back to our usual posts:

Monday Mournings

Questionable Questions

Excerpts from Essays

College Fair Musings

We’re excited about it. We’ll throw you the occassional gif every now and again when we feel it appropriate.

Now, to a larger issue at hand:

As much as we find it amusing that high school students want our advice, we have almost 1000 messages in our inbox asking our advice on how to get off waitlists, how to write the perfect college essay, blah blah blah, whine whine whine.

Unless you want us to put a PayPal link on here to help supplement our already meager salary, we’re not answering work-ish questions on this blog. This is our “us” time, kids. We wouldn’t want to leave you without the hand-holding you so desperately need though, so here’s our advice. When you have one of these questions that you want a REAL answer to, go to your admission counselor, lean in real close, slip them a Pocket Shot and $20 and tell them you read Admissions Problems. Guaranteed good advice coming your way.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.