Admissions Problems

no, your kid isn't special at all actually...

Anonymous asked: ahh, i sent you a question about what you would do if a student who wrote an essay found your blog. but no, i was so wrong to question you. you, sir or ma'am, are awesome. i'm in high school and WOW people are stupid. you deserve food, hugs, time off and smarter/more worthy applicants. good luck amoeba.

There was a lot of controversy last semester about us posting pieces of essays on this blog and then picking them apart. Some called us “unethical”. We don’t know what that word means, but it sounded bad.

Here’s our thought process: If a student really wants to come forward and claim one of these essays as their own, BRING IT. Would you come forward? Doubtful.

So, yes, you were wrong to question, but that’s ok. We’ll offer forgiveness since you provided so many wonderful compliments. Thanks for reading, little one.

Anonymous asked: Got any gifs for counselors blowing their brains out? Because I swear to God that is gonna happen in this regional's home office if he has to answer one more God forsaken email about why we cannot waive application fees. We're not trying to pull a fast one on you, you little pumpkin pie haircutted freaks. We need that app money to help fund our broke ass office. You think $50 bucks sucks? Wait until you get your bill for tuition, fartknocker.

We get it, bro. But whoa. Hang in there.

Anonymous asked: Do you ever feel like you miss your life during travel season? Or wonder if you'd even have one without travel season? Part of me thinks of everything I could do with my evening and free time if I wasn't a traveler, but I know I'd hate being in office every day.

Once you’re a lifer in this field (2 or 20 - it’s your choice), you start to have a difficult time imagining a life that DOESN’T include travel season. Scary, but travel season becomes our life, so you really don’t have the opportunity to envision a different kind of life.

We think the more difficult part is coming home and being left with these instances:

* Leaving used towels on the bathroom floor waiting for a housekeeper to come replace them with clean, fluffy ones

* Sitting in your house at 7:00PM wondering why you feel you should be somewhere else (and racking your brain trying to remember if you forgot an event)

* Trying to COOK. Ugh. It’s great the first couple of weeks you’re home from travel (let’s be healthy!) and then you spend the rest of the fall obsessing about Panera and whatever other alluring restaurants haunt your travel season memories (let’s be lazy and eat junk food in a Hampton Heavenly bed).

We could go on. Don’t judge us, but…last year… after travel season… we purchased a new Hampton Serta Cloud 9 mattress.

"Hello lover. We’ll see you in a few hours."

That’s how desperate and ingrained travel season becomes. There is no other life than travel. Hashtag, lifer.

Anonymous asked: Thank you for taking a break with posts. Your recent posts have been extra sassy. Yeah, I said sassy. Thank you for making my return to work that much better.

Our pleasure. Thanks for reading.

Anonymous asked: If you hate your job so much, why do you do it?

Anonymous asked: I love you AP - from a Career Services individual who's most commonly asked question is, "so like, you can get me a job right?"

Anonymous asked: If a parent doesn't file tax returns {tax evasion, not because of especially low income}, what does the student do in regards to financial aid/applications?

Uh, aren’t there larger issues at hand? If your parents are evading taxes, shouldn’t they have enough cash on hand to send you to college? It’s not really the kind of situation most Financial Aid Offices have policies for….

If you’re seriously asking this question, our best guess would be to file your FAFSA as an independent (if you’re parents aren’t filing taxes, chances are good they aren’t claiming you as a dependent child anywhere).

If you want to go more risky, you could always send your tax evading parents into a Financial Aid office like this:

We’re sure that will work out really well. Good luck!

Anonymous asked: When I first came across this blog, i thought you were a cocky asshole. Now, I kind of love you. Call me maybe?

Isn’t that the way it always is? Young doe falls in love with the big, bad, cocky amoeba?

Application to our heart (read: ego): ACCEPTED.

Anonymous asked: Do you have any advice for someone who wants to be an admissions counselor? (Crazy. I know.)

You don’t need to know this life of endless absurd questions and trying everything at least once on the Panera menu! Think about what you’re doing, young one! There’s still time!

Anonymous asked: I get to visit NACAC Headquarters on Friday. Is it odd that I'm totally geeked out? Are you a jealous amoeba?

Can we come too??

We’d be excited. Don’t tell anyone we have a heart or emotions. Have fun and report back with insider secrets. Thanks for reading.

Anonymous asked: What would you say is the topics you want to read about in application essays?

It’s insane how many high schoolers are now blowing up this inbox. And we totally get it. The word is out. We hear guidance counselors are actually encouraging their kids to read this blog as a “What Not To Do” lesson.

The funny thing about the college essay is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer. You have to write about yourself. The honest you. Tell us something no one knows about you. Tell us something that is truly unique about you. And once you think you’ve found that unique thing, stop for a moment and ask yourself “How many other kids probably could say this about themselves?” If you have ONE SECOND of doubt, think of something else.

Do this: Is there something your family picks on you about? Every time you’re all sitting together, is there ever a moment where Mom cocks her head to the side and says “Oh, that’s SO <fill in your name>” or “You ALWAYS do that”? If you have one of those quirks, write us an essay about it. We want to know what makes you tick.

Don’t use gimmicks. Surprising and annoying are separated by a very thin line. We know we had an essay on here once written in green crayon, but if you read the content, it seemingly was interesting. We read to see if the green crayon was incorporated somehow (didn’t appear the gimmick was related to the content), but we could very easily have passed over this essay entirely had we already been in an annoyed state.

Don’t write about why you want to go to school at our university. We work here and mildly love it. And you did apply, so we can make the reasonable assumption you mildly love it too.

Last piece of advice - never use the given prompts unless you have to. Write what you want. It shows creativity.

PS: Please proofread your essays. In your question above, you should have asked “What would you say ARE the topics you want to read…”…. grammar goes a long way, amigo. Good luck!

Anonymous asked: simply want to ask qutestion Have you ever heard of traveling blog have great picture like my blog?

Look, asshole. We get enough of this at work. We appreciate the irony but not here. NOT HERE. PLEASE. It’s all we have.

Anonymous asked: I'm guessing you won't answer this, but what school are you from? And can I get in with a 1100 SAT (Just joking about the latter question...)

This is comical. Here are the clues we’ve given in the past to our identity:

* Between the ages of 18 and 81

* Species: Amoeba (latest self-portrait below)

* Location: Hell

This narrows it down, right?

A couple of posts for your review about where the Amoeba thing started:

Thanks for reading!

Anonymous asked: "Depression. It happens. We all get sad and don’t want to get out of bed. We call that Monday." Are you fucking kidding me? It's really awesome that you're discriminating against disabled students. It's just... great.

Nope! We weren’t fucking kidding. We really hate when you people jump from one lily pad all the way to the other side of the effing pond. Let’s take your PC panties out of their bunch for a second, ok?

Anyone who has a diagnosed disability (and anyone else for that matter) can write whatever the hell they want for their college essay. Does it mean we have to read it and absorb every little bit? Nope. And believe us - we’ve read our fair share of college essays, and the majority of essays about depression are relatively mild cases attempting to sound much deeper and darker as a play for sympathy from an admission officer. It’s unfair to the admission officer, and it’s unfair to students who truly have difficulty in overcoming their depression. We never discriminate against someone who possesses a true disability. We JUDGE those who use a disease like depression as emotional blackmail. There’s a stark difference there.

And just for you - one year, we decided to follow up on every application we received where a student spent an entire essay talking about their depression/anxiety. Do you know how many of those essays we received? 71. Do you know many of those students registered for accommodations for their psychiatric disorder with our disabilities office? ZERO.

Thanks for the excitement! We like a little debate every now and then, and we feel we won again. Hooray! Thanks for reading!

Anonymous asked: In case there are prospects/applicants reading this, could you please pass along this bit of info: If you see your Admissions Counselor in the local pharmacy on a Friday night purchasing condoms, do NOT approach him (in the condom aisle), introduce yourself, and begin asking questions about the admissions process. If you try to cock-block me on a Friday night, I will do everything in my power to get you denied! Start searching somewhere else Timothy @ Walgreens! [Amoeba: edit as needed]

Unfortunately (or fortunately), we cannot edit these questions. They come as they are (no pun intended).

So, let’s recap. YOU:



Bro. That’s one of the saddest stories ever. Lessons from the parable:

(1) Timothy doesn’t pick up on social cues very well, hence he won’t thrive well in a post-secondary environment. Agreed on the denial. It’s in his best interest.

(2) It’s obvious to everyone that Timothy has no hope of ever getting laid if he’s in the condom aisle on a Friday night with his admission counselor talking about his SAT. Let this be a cautionary tale.

Sorry to hear about this, dear reader. As the kids say, hope you “got it in”. Thanks for sharing.